Queer

Who am I?

In the beggining i would like to say that I dont like labels, but I feel like now I have to use them. So i can clear things up. I identify myself as queer but to be more specific I’m afab (assigned female at birth) and nonbinary. I use male pronouns and when it comes to my sexuality I still need to figure it out. Or maybe I don’t. And I can just exist and fall in love with anyone, without labels. I understand the human need to belong and to live in groups but in my opinion it is not necessery to always make up these categories. So this is my message to all confused people in this world. You dont have to figure it all out! Just stay you and exist in a way your comfortable with!

I often say I’m trans to avoid explaining the whole „I think I’m nonbinary but I use he/him pronouns and I don’t like labels” thing. Then i don’t have to deal with questions and confusion.

Loving as a transmasc.

Falling in love as a transmasc (trans masculine person, not necessarily a trans man) is weird. Overall falling in love as a trans person is weird. But i only speak from my experience. It’s weird because when you live your life as a girl for many years (13 years in my case) you love like a girl. Society tells you, that woman is the one in a relationship who gets flowers, is the small spoon when cuddling in bed, should be shorter then her partner and the boyfriend is the one who puts his hand over her shoulder. It’s literally in every movie about romance (unless it’s gay). I didn’t really dream about being a girly girl with a tall boyfriend when i was younger. My idols and role models were strong and rather masculine woman from movies and books. But still, in the back of my head i have this feeling like i need someone to take care of me in a masculine way. I really hate it, it gives me a lot of gender dyshoria. I would love to be that someone, someone who takes care of his partner and buys them flowers. I hope I’ll experience it someday. Until now I have always been the feminine one in a relationship.

It’s also hard when you’re into men as a transmasc ( It’s always hard to be in love for me but especially with men). Men can be disgusting and ignorant, I think anyone who is perceived as a woman can say that. I mean anyone can be disgusting and ignorant, but i feel like men, as a social group that is more privileged then others are more likely to be that. And before you say, „but not all men”, I know. I know that men who are just genuinely nice and respectful towards others exist. But, even tho it’s „not all men”, my opinion on them is based on my own experience. When you meet 10, let’s say, doctors, and two of them are rude and unprofesional, you don’t dislike all doctors. But when you meet 10 doctors and 9 of them are rude and unprofesional… You get the idea. To sum up, I don’t hate all men, but being around most of them I have met in my life, was not the most pleasing experience.

The men I’ve met were mostly white, straight teenage boys. It’s hard to call them men tho. 8th grade ( when we were about 13 years old) was the time I heard the biggest amount of slurs and disgusting jokes. There were racist jokes, sexist jokes, and jokes about disabled people. One guy even slapped girl’s ass and no one said anything. The same guy was calling me a „fucking lesbo”. And you can say, „It’s not that bad. No one was beaten or raped. These boys were just kids.”

Since I was little there was anger growing inside of me. Anger at the world, at people. I was angry whenever i heard about politics or inequality. And that anger is getting bigger every day. There is something called feminine rage. Even tho I’m not a girl I expierence it quite often. Definition: „Feminine rage has been explained as an ancestral and inherited response to the struggles, oppressions, and wrongdoings that women have been subjected to.” You can find it strange that when I identify myself as transmasc I still feel like a part of women’s community. After I lived my life as a girl I still feel a need to fight for women’s rights and safety just as much as trans rights. And I think that’s okay.

I kinda got off track. I was suppoused to write about why is it so hard to be in love with a man as a trans person, but I think it was important for me to say these things.

When you’re in love with a cis man, you have five options.

1. He is transphobic and doesn’t respect you as a person. 2. He is straight and not interested. 3. He is straight and doesn’t see you as a man (he would date you but only as a girl). 4. He is into men but doesn’t see you as one or is not interested in dating someone like you. 5. He is into men and sees you as one, he might even like you back.

That was a short version of a trans love story. I think that’s why so many trans people date other trans people. We understand the struggle.

Only recently, since I’m single, I started really seeing how hard it’s gonna be for me to find love. I’m too feminine for gay guys and too masculine for straight guys, and I know I should just wait till I meet someone who just loves me as I am. But I crave love, I crave affection. The lack of it hurts me.

Queer thoughts.

I like how tiktok user @uzoiswho is talking about his trans experience and about being trans in general. In one of his videos he mentions a topic, I never really thought about. He talks about how he is not on the same boat as cis men and how that’s okay. Like I said before, when you live many years as a girl, later woman, you don’t think or act the same as cis men. And I know some trans men don’t want people to know they’re trans and want to be treated the exact same way cis men are treated, I understand and respect that. That’s you, it just doesn’t work for me. And it’s not that I like to be trans, I am just a diffrent kind of guy (haha, so quirky).

Another thought. I think a lot of trans men would disagree with me on this one. I feel like an average transgender experience is fantasizing about being cis. Obviously, I do also have these kind of fantasies, but I don’t dream about being a cis guy (I do sometimes, but mostly not). I’m dreaming about not being trans, which means being a cis girl for me. I would do a lot to make these dreams come true. But let me explain. If I was born a cis male, I would have a totally diffrent childhood, friends, life in general. I feel like I wouldn’t be myself, if that makes sense. I propably wouldn’t have the same opinions I have now, simply because I wouldn’t have the same experiences (with men for example).

Life would be so simple, if I was sure, I want to start hormone therapy. I am constantly having these thoughts, what if I’m faking it, what if I just wanted to be special, what if…? My mom, when she found out I’m not a girl (but what if I am), said that maybe I just didn’t like girlhood and wanted to escape living my life as a woman. It sounds quite transphobic but it got me wondering (again, what if…?). I still have some time to think, my mother would never let me start testosterone before I’m 18 (then she won’t be happy either, but it would be my decition). She will never get over the fact I’m not her little girl anymore. When I think, about starting testosterone, I don’t think about being a big, bearded man, but being feminine the way boys are. I want to be feminine but also percived as a masculine person, if that makes any sense. I want to wear make-up, dresses and have long hair, but also some facial hair, deep voice. Maybe it would make me a „twink”, but I don’t like that word. It reminds me of cis femboys with cat ears.

I was thinking, as a non-gender conforming person, if I want hormone therapy just to be accepted by society. Not only by cis people but also trans community. Because people in general propably won’t respect me as a transmasc when I often present fem. They might have such thoughts as: „He’s not even trying to pass”. If you don’t know what passing is, here’s a definition: „In the context of gender, passing is when someone is perceived as a gender they identify as or are attempting to be seen as, rather than their biological sex.” Some trans people for sure wouldn’t respect me, because they try so hard to pass and present masculine, and I do pretty much the opposite. I really want to be seen as a masculine person, or even a man, but self expression is way more important to me. I wouln’t give up on make-up and dresses just to be what society expects me to be. Trans people who don’t pass are valid!

Trans medical care and law in Poland.

Did you know, when you get a diagnosis that you’re transgender, it’s marked as a mental illness? And did you know some airlines can legally reject you because of it?

Before I wrote this I didn’t really know anything about the legal side of transition, so I did my research. But let’s start with: What happens to your body when you take testosterone as an afab. I made a list:

1. You get a deeper, lower voice,

2. Your clitoris starts growing,

3. Your body becomes more hairy, you get things like facial hair, leg hair, ect.

4. Your libido is higher.

You can also get surgeries such as: top surgery (to have a flat chest), bottom surgery (to have a penis) and face masculinization. I am only considering starting testosteron and getting top surgery. Gender correction surgery in Poland costs about 12 000 zł to 50 000 zł, depending on how many changes you want. Obviously everything is done at a private clinic. NFZ (narodowy fundusz zdrowia) does not cover gender affirming medical care. That is why so many transgender people are setting up fundraisers. I propably wouldn’t be able to afford it too.

Also, to change informations in your documents (name and gender in your ID) you have to sue your parents. This law is based on something that was written in 1995. It’s an outdated judgement from Supreme Court that so many people find stupid and ridiculous, but I don’t think it’s going to change soon. It’s horrible, that you have to stand against people who raised you and propably love you to be yourself. It is tough when your parents accept you and love you and tough when they are transphobic. In both cases, it can make things worse between a child and a parent.

Polish laws, politics and polish society is definitly not trans friendly. People get hate crimed for being out as transgender or gay. Even when you look just slightly different, you get called a faggot (oh, we will call him gay, because it’s the worst insult possible). Even polish party called PiS (haha, piss), when they were giving speeches, they started saying absolutely shitty and disgusting things about trans people. They even made some transphobic jokes. They chose an easy target, because society is united when people are all hating the same group. The chosen group is sometimes imigrants, sometimes lgbtq+ community.

Gender Dysphoria.

Let’s talk about, what is gender dysphoria? Gender dysphoria is a feeling of your body not matching your gender identity. For me dysphoria is fluid, sometimes it’s huge, sometimes it’s okay. I get it when I notice how feminine is my body or the way I act and talk. So mostly my lack of muscles, tits and my voice. I am actually quite happy with my body, I always hated it but for some reason, recently I’ve accepted it. I think it’s important to know that for some trans people gender dysphoria can lead to unhealthy lifestyle or even death. They can feel so bad, they would wear a binder (a bra that makes your chest flat, you should wear it for 8 hours max. beacuse it’s bad for your ribs and breathing) for 24 hours straight, wear trans tapes too often (tape for your skin, you can use it to hold your boobs) or work out to much to get the body they desire. It can even cause attempting suicide. 82% of transgender people had thoughts about killing themselfs, 40% have attempted suicide.

Trans represantation in pornography.

I fucking hate porn. Porn is so bad at so many levels. I didn’t want to use the word „bad”, because I don’t like viewing the world as bad – good, but I coudn’t find the right one. When you say, porn is okay and normal… It says something about you. I don’t want to attack anyone. Or you know what, maybe I do. It is not fucking okay. I will get into that more later. I’m being so passionate about this topic, because it’s important and personal to me. I have been addicted to pornography for the past 2 years (more or less). I’ve recently gotten out of it, which I am really proud of. (I actually wrote about it a year ago. If you want to read it, it’s at the bottom of this essay). Sorry for such a sudden confession, but I think it’s relevant.

The first thing I hate about porn is, it’s made almost for men only. Like women don’t watch it or masturbate. Sure, there are some videos for lesbians (but often fetishized by straight men) or videos a little bit less patrialchal. But mostly, the titles are: „she can’t resist my dick” or „dirty slut rides my cock”. The funny thing is the same men who watch videos about „sluts” or „whores”, often slut shame women for having a sex life. Also, double standards. „Oh, you’re a woman who slept with more then five men? You’re a hooker.” „You’re a men who slept with more then five women? You’re a real man, worthy of respect”,or „It’s not even that many.”

I wonder if watching porn boosts men’s ego. I wouldn’t be suprised if that was true, taking into account how porn is made these days. We often see a POV (point of view) of a man or just the man’s body, without his face, so anyone who’s watching can pretend they are having sex with that beautiful and sexy, shaved woman (obviously, her face is shown clearly).

I noticed another thing, quite some time ago. In porn, men during intercourse almost never make noises, while women moan and gasp for 10 minutes straight. Making noise during sex is showing that you feel pleasure at the moment and you’re comfortable enough to express it. But for some, it’s a sign of weakness. So if you moan, you’re not a manly man anymore. It shows how insecure men can be.

I also wanted to mention normalizing incest and other things that shouldn’t be normalized in porn. When you open Pornhub, almost every video has a title that says something about family (not blood related). Step sister this, step brother that. Step dad, step mum, everything. And don’t say it’s okay because they’re not blood related. I find it so gross and I don’t know where that incest fetish came from. Another things that shouldn’t be normalized are, rape and child pornography. And I don’t mean the obvious rape videos and child porn. I’m talking about videos on pornhub where one of the actors is clearly saying „no”, to the other one, but they get very insistent, so the sex scene can finally happen. We can’t say, it’s clearly rape, but it’s for sure promoting ignoring lack of consent. And I know they are acting, reciting the script, but it does not change, what they are promoting. Now let’s talk about titles like: „petite teen”. Obviously the actresses are 18 or older (I don’t think pornhub would show actual child porn), but they are short, shaved/waxed, often have small breasts and are called a teen, which is arousing for many men. Tell me that’s not messed up, showing a man in his 40s, fucking a girl called a „petite teen”, even if it’s legal.

*Being addicted to pornography is like being stuck in an amusement park. 

It's fun at first, you get new expieriences, adrenalin, pleasure and overall good time. But time passes and you get bored. You get sick. Every time you go on a rollercoaster you get that feeling in you stomach, feeling of excitement. Well you still get it, but now you hate it. You're disgusted by it. You're disgusted by yourself. And you are alone. It's not like you can tell anyone about being stuck. "They will also be disgusted in you", says the voice in the back of your head.

It slowly starts to become your routine. You wake up. You eat, go to school or work. You go to bed. You turn on your phone and enter the amusement park. Again. And again. You go completly numb, even the butterflies in your stomach dissapeard, it's just a blank stare at the blue screen of you phone that you hate so much but need to complete your routine.