Similar
You've got his eyes
and all same mistakes
You whisper to me
with no utterance
Seems I've met you before
in the other world
Like wind that blows
through my mind and bones
Even though you're near me
we're miles apart
Being shameless inside
Proper for the outside...
Komentarze (13)
Why write in the language in which you don't feel comfortable, while our native tongue is so rich and vivid?
I bid you better poems; no marking this time.😊
Besides, I don't expect such 'poems' in the future, anyway 😂
Of course there is nothing wrong with learning languages and we have to start somewhere, but I see little point in publishing it here, where users don't know English and won't give you a valuable feedback. There are better sites for English poetry, for instance https://allpoetry.com/poems/about/Sad matching category of your poem. See for yourself how well you stand.
In the meantime, allow me to outline few shortcomings in your text.
"You've got his eyes
and all same mistakes"
=>
"You've got his eyes
and all his flaws"
Mistakes are result of somebody's actions, flaws are part of one's character; I think you meant the latter. At least you should change to: "and all his mistakes", because as it is, it sounds horrible.
"You whisper to me
with no utterance"
=>
"You whisper to me
ambiguously"
Not sure what you wanted to say here, but the phrase "with no utterance" just doesn't make sense in this context.
"Seems I've met you before
in the other world"
=>
"Seems I've met you before
in another world"
What world? There is no mentioning of it, so the definite article is redundant.
"Being shameless inside
Proper for outside..."
=>
"Being shameless inside
Decent on outside…"
But even with these corrections the poem looks like a work of 12 year old girl. Language is just a way of expressing thoughts, so you should choose one which won't compromise the content.
Cheers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBeUrH7eMKY
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Zrób to i baw się fantastycznie.
NSzOpowi
Może faktycznie o świat równoległy chodzi, gdzie w innych wersjach wszystko,
choć jeden człek tu a drugi tam. "Właściwy na zewnątrz ..."→ciekawe stwierdzenie:)
Pozdrawiam😁
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