Brakuje ciągłości myśli i następstwa czasu. Skoro Maria skończyła pisać książkę powinieneś użyć czasu past perfect (had finished), ponieważ to jest opowiadanie i wszystko się dzieje w przeszłości. Ten odcinek uszedłby za początek nowego opowiadania, ale nie pasuje do poprzednich części — zamiast dalszego ciągu przygód Marii mamy przygody wymyślane przez Marię. Brakuje wyraźnego kierunku — prowadzisz czytelnika w różne strony po wertepach, zaczynasz nowe wątki, do których później nie wracasz, chyba dlatego, że najtrudniej jest wymyślić zaskakujące, a jednocześnie sensowne zakończenie.
Johnny — dwa N.
Jeszcze jeden drobiazg: przecinek umieszczamy w wypowiedzi dialogowej, przed cudzysłowem, ponieważ jest to odpowiednik myślnika. Zobacz przykład poniżej:
It was a productive year for Mary: she had finished her first book and started working on another one. The new book was about little Johny whom people called dumb, because only a dumb person cannot find a girlfriend despite being a handsome man. Johny lived alone in a remote, forgotten village surrounded by swamps and thick forest. People in the village were poor and often forced to go to bed on an empty stomach. They toiled hard in the fields, but weather was unfavourable: sandy soil had been washed away by heavy rains, later came scourging heat of summer sun burning anything in its path. Whatever villagers could harvest wasn't enough to feed themselves and their families. Johnny's neighbours watched with envy how the little fella feeds his three pigs. ‘Where does he get fodder from?’ they wondered. They didn’t know Johnny’s little secret: he could understand speech of wild creatures of the woods. This unusual ability helped him survive worst times. But everything has its price, only little Johny hadn’t known about it yet.
‘Come with me,’ said once a fox living in the forest. ‘I’ll show you where golden coins are buried’.
‘Golden coins…,’ whispered Johny with astonishment. ‘How do you know the place?’
‘I marked it with a boar’s scull,’ answered fox wagging his fluffy tail.
‘I bet you’re right,’ said Johny without much thinking, because he believed anything he heard.
He followed the fox eagerly, unaware his friend had something quite different on his mind.
Thank you for your comment. It was Martha who had written the stories. Not Mary. It's a bit confusing. In your version of story you have written a name - Johnny without n doubled twice :). Anyway, Thanks a lot.
>>>> In your version of story you have written a name - Johnny without n doubled twice
I wrote over your text and didn't correct misspelled names. Besides — this is just a comment I cannot change. Had I written it again, it would be better.
Komentarze (4)
Brakuje ciągłości myśli i następstwa czasu. Skoro Maria skończyła pisać książkę powinieneś użyć czasu past perfect (had finished), ponieważ to jest opowiadanie i wszystko się dzieje w przeszłości. Ten odcinek uszedłby za początek nowego opowiadania, ale nie pasuje do poprzednich części — zamiast dalszego ciągu przygód Marii mamy przygody wymyślane przez Marię. Brakuje wyraźnego kierunku — prowadzisz czytelnika w różne strony po wertepach, zaczynasz nowe wątki, do których później nie wracasz, chyba dlatego, że najtrudniej jest wymyślić zaskakujące, a jednocześnie sensowne zakończenie.
Johnny — dwa N.
Jeszcze jeden drobiazg: przecinek umieszczamy w wypowiedzi dialogowej, przed cudzysłowem, ponieważ jest to odpowiednik myślnika. Zobacz przykład poniżej:
It was a productive year for Mary: she had finished her first book and started working on another one. The new book was about little Johny whom people called dumb, because only a dumb person cannot find a girlfriend despite being a handsome man. Johny lived alone in a remote, forgotten village surrounded by swamps and thick forest. People in the village were poor and often forced to go to bed on an empty stomach. They toiled hard in the fields, but weather was unfavourable: sandy soil had been washed away by heavy rains, later came scourging heat of summer sun burning anything in its path. Whatever villagers could harvest wasn't enough to feed themselves and their families. Johnny's neighbours watched with envy how the little fella feeds his three pigs. ‘Where does he get fodder from?’ they wondered. They didn’t know Johnny’s little secret: he could understand speech of wild creatures of the woods. This unusual ability helped him survive worst times. But everything has its price, only little Johny hadn’t known about it yet.
‘Come with me,’ said once a fox living in the forest. ‘I’ll show you where golden coins are buried’.
‘Golden coins…,’ whispered Johny with astonishment. ‘How do you know the place?’
‘I marked it with a boar’s scull,’ answered fox wagging his fluffy tail.
‘I bet you’re right,’ said Johny without much thinking, because he believed anything he heard.
He followed the fox eagerly, unaware his friend had something quite different on his mind.
>>>> In your version of story you have written a name - Johnny without n doubled twice
I wrote over your text and didn't correct misspelled names. Besides — this is just a comment I cannot change. Had I written it again, it would be better.
Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease, ??️?
N.
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